1. Copy and post this in your LJ.
2. BOLD anything that is true.
3. Leave plain anything that is not true.
4. Add something to the list (true or not, it's up to you).


( click away )

Aint life grand? The things you learn .. LOL
*hugs*

Let's see ... what has happened since I last posted? Actually ... quite alot.

I am a year older, and I hope a year wiser. My birthday was as the vast majority of birthdays before - Dull and uncelebrated. I am fine with that. I always have been ... I knew 26 would be nothing different. My mother called me on my B-day, giving me the little conversation I needed to feel loved.

A huge stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I am now making more money and getting paid vacation days + paid holidays. My co-workers respect me, and so do my clients. What more could I ask for in a job?

I have found out that I might not be able to have my own kids. My body might not be able to carry a baby. We will see ... I have *many* a doctors visit to goto before that will be confirmed or denied. I pray that I will be able to, as I have wanted my own child for about 3 years now. I suppose I will keep my fingers crossed.

I look forward to the new year ... to new beginnings. After letting go of some baggage I carried for way too many years - I am ready to make a fresh start.

I think I will actually try to do some modeling again (not that I ever did anything major before - just minor stuff) and get rid of these last few pesky pounds that don't seem to want to budge.

*smiles and blows kisses to you all*

Happiness is an inner sense of peace in a world of chaos around you.
Happiness is being able to just let go.
Happiness is to just be.

- Je suis désolé que les choses n'aient pas établi... Mais il n'était pas comme je n'essayais pas de fixer les morceaux pendant qu'ils tombaient. Je vous souhaite bien. Svp soin de prise de vous-même.

Its my birthday ...
another year older ... and not dead yet.

Tootles.

Well, I am back again.
I have taken some time to sort through a lot of things, and realized that things I once held above all others – matters little to me anymore. Funny how one link in a chain of events can totally alter the way a person views everything. Weird huh?

I am all right. Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? It is all or none of the above.

I send hugs and kisses to everyone and I will try to make myself available to you more often.

Dying you hair is like sex in a bottle ...

"And I’m staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There’s a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight"

Just to let you know I still breathe. I am not trying to ignore anyone right now, I am just trying to keep my head above water.

I am feeling extremely anti-social. Sorry if this inconviences anyone. Yah know I love you - and I will come around in time.

I am having an "Avril" moment - excuse me.
( Becuz I can )

Sorry that I have been away for such along time. Been doing alot of thinking and some long needed self examination. It comes and goes ... the feelings of regret and the need to make some changes.

I need to get my life back on track. ASAP

I need to get my mind back together Stop the self-sabotaging actions.

I need to get my body back in good health.

I will probably be IMA again for a while, I don't know yet.

To those I care about, and care about me, Thank you. Khat - You are meh girl. Cyn - You are such an amzing woman, and I am SOOO jealous. Rialin - Meh other mother. J - My songtress, keep singing for me. Avaad - you are a gentle poet, your view of the world makes me smile. Tom - you rock. Welsh girl - You are too damn cute sometimes.
My Phantom - too many miles, not enough converstation. I miss you.

And to the rest - Keep your head up and try to live as if this day is your last.

-Ciao

Alrighty ... codes ...

I know because I have a paid account, I should have some extra LJ codes. But I forgot where to find them ... *argh*

Can anyone help?

Thanks. :)

there is nothing like the peace a dose of Adderall can give.

for once my mind is not going 80sum mph. and that is beautiful.

the productivity set out for today:
wash dishes
take out trash
organize bookshelf
clean bathroom
clean kitchen
answer emails
work on my writing
vacuum
dust

more productivity to come ...

Well, I go to the doctor in a day or so to get back on the ever-popular adderall to help control my "ADD/ADHD" tendencies. I am kinda stoked about it, and yet I am not. I have huge problems with focusing on tasks that have to be done, much less finishing the tasks I would like to get done.

Granted, I am no where near as about as the vast majority of people I know - I can get by day to day without it (but that is not saying that bad stuff doesn't result from my inability to pay attention). I am sooo confused.

I don't know what to place the blame on in myself for the lot of crap that has landed in my lap. I know 95% of it is my own doing, but still.

I am trying so hard to focus on what I should be doing, what I need to be doing - but it just doesn't happen.

((during just this post I have manage to get distracted 35 ... no 36 times))

*argh*

Damn - my eyes are crossed.

Just going over the differences between upper motor neuron and lower motor neuron diseases (reflexes, atrophy, fasciculations, & tone). I had forgotten that muscular dystrophy was a lower motor neuron disease, and cerebrovascular accidents were upper motor diseases.
Speaking of CVA's ... I didn't really realize that there were 6 different types (complete, stroke in evolution, embolus, hemorrhage, thrombus, and transient ischemic attack). Truly fascinating in my book, but then again - I have always been interesting in neurological disease/deficits.

Excerize your body. mind, and soul.

Ciao.

you wanna know what I have to do today? sure you don't - but I am gonna tell you anywho.

.livingroom.
~ pick up the trash/beer bottles/CRAP roomie has left everywhere
(((yup - I am PA ladies ...)))
~ re-arrange furniture to piss said roomie off
~ vacuum/dust

.kitchen.
~ gather trash&take out
~ clean out frig
~ clean frig
~ put stuff back where it is supposed to be
~ clean counters
~ sweep/mop floor
~ wash dishes
~ put dishes up

.bathroom.
~ clean&unclog sink
~ clean up&organize counter/drawers/undersink
~ vacuum/sweep/mop floor
~ clean toliet
~ de-funk shower curtain ((roomie does not like to close curtain after shower))

.bedroom.
~ too much to even bother typing ...


Boy ... this sucks ...

Alright my computer/internet savy friends ...

Can you gimme info on this IP address?

67.172.218.107


please help ... thanks.

I can’t pass up this opportunity to make myself absurd,
I can’t pass up this opportunity to make myself be heard.
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me lose this all,
Would you, like to, be the one who sees me fall.
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up son, I’m doin’ this my way
Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
Give it up son, I’m doin’ this my way
You like to think the worst is over now, but you cant breathe at all
You like to think you’re owed a favor now, man you’ve seen it all
Did you, want to, be the one who pushed me off the wall,
Did you, want to, be the one who let me fall.

---

Lyrics to fit my mood ...

Being lazy this morning. And I *luv* it. Having a fine time just sitting back, playing on my 'puter, and painting my toenails. Nothing special as far as the color, but it suits my skin tone.

Too bad one foot/ankle is swollen and discolored. *sighs* I ended up dropping a 10 pound metal object on it yesterday ... and needless to say ... it hurt quite a bit. SO far it is a really pretty blueish-purple color. Not very dark, but I have a feeling it will get darker before Monday. I will hate having to tell everyone I work with why it looks like that. oh well.

Okay ... who has some self-motivation, and some self-control I can steal? Just curious - it seems I have lost mine ... somewhere ...*argh*

Ciao

Okay - just relaxing at home and turned on the tube. What is on? Animal Planet. What was the show? Eaten alive. Mucho creepy. It is about all the parasites - how they get in yah, what they do, how easy/hard they are to remove, & more. FUN.

From the burrowing kind, to the ones that live in your brain/lungs, and the ones that cause projectile vomiting. *eewwwww* Very educational.

This really makes me wanna just get some meds to flush out my system to be on the safe side. *shivers* I feel so ...eck.

I am sitting in from of my monitor, wondering, how things have not even gone close to what I had imaged/dreamed for myself ten years ago, five years ago, or even two years ago. I am not complaining, but I have so much I have not yet accomplished.

When I was in high school, I thought I would be finished with school and have a really good job by now that I loved. Reality - I am not even close to being finished and no money to do it with, and i have a job - just not the best in the world, but it has its perks.
I thought I would have a work published, or in the works of being published by this age. Reality - Haven't finished anything worth publishing. *argh*
I had this notion that I would have met the love-of-my-life by now and be in a happy and functional relationship. Reality - I don't know. I am not sure when it comes to my emotions. Have I loved? yes. Met the love-of-my-life? At one point I would have to say yes, another - no. So I dunno.

I think that we need to set up a "Put-Bre-Through-School" Pity fund. well - it sounds good to me anyway.

Funny how things always end up differently than what you thought they would be.

*Ciao*

( who makes you feel )

Things are going as well as they can. I tried to get ahold of my bud khat last night to see if she wanted to do something, but her phone just kept ringing and ringing. [le sigh] Oh well, things never go the way I want them to. [poor lil'me .. *ha!*]

Bought a dendrobium orchid today (may go back and get another). It is so pretty - a nice mix of purples and whites. Orchids are one of my favorite flower producing plants. Besides - life in your home, aside from your own, often lifts your spirits [or so they say]. Hell I am game for anything at this point.
I already have a phalaenopsis, and love it - so I figured I would try out another type of orchid and see how it goes. Oh! I need to get them some fertilizer ...

Today is yet another get-off-my-ass-and-do-something day. I swear I will get things done today if it kills me - or someone else. :P I havta get my home back into order, cuz this external choas is NOT helping the internal one bit. Besides, I cannot slack off on my paper work later if there is NOTHING left to clean. No excuses for me then to get that crap done.

My writing has gone nowhere - I just haven't had the creative bug in ages. Hopefully if I can get myself settled with cleaning and a few hours of paper work, I can be happy enough to try again.

Have a good one.
-B

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Update:

Getting my living room back in order...FINALLY! *urgh* It is definitely worth the aches and pains my body is reaping from it, cuz my overall sense of well being has increased. So - at least for me ~ Clean=zen.

BTW - having to wear contacts again after 4-5 years of not, is really annoying.

((updated AgAiN))
Bought more orchids, installed 4 sets of window draperies, hung my painting, built a shelf, went through only 2 huge boxes & put stuff up.

can we say productive?

well, dying my hair as I type. Decided I needed a little esteem boost ... so I figured I would take a lil'cash and a few minutes of my day to change my look.

*sighs*

alot to do today - but I figure 20 mins of pampering won't kill me.

*hugs to all*

I know I haven't posted a "real" post in some time, so I figured now is as good of time as any to enlighten those of my pretty pathetic life right now.

I am trying to find enough energy after work to get the things done that I should do, but I have been finding myself doing other things instead (like being online, playing computer games, and so forth). I just can't seem to focus ... but that can be attributed to alot of things that I don't really care to mention.

I am starting to feel distant to everything again. *le sigh* You know that numb feeling ... well I have it.

*argh*


give me life,
give me pain,
give myself again.
- Tori Amos ~ little earthquakes